Proxy Hunters

And How to Know If You're Dating One or Are One!

We’re taking a break from the Polyamory Primer to talk about a subject that just doesn’t get a lot of attention in the Polyamory community, despite the fact that it’s a pretty widespread problem. I’m afraid this post won’t be as witty as the first couple since this is a more serious subject.

I think we probably all know what a Unicorn Hunter is. For the few that don’t, Unicorn Hunters are generally heterosexual couples who (again, generally) will search for a bisexual woman to add as a “third” to their marriage. This behavior is unethical because of Couple’s Privilege (the agreed upon and unspoken rules of an established monogamous relationship, as well as the tendency of the Couple to put the Couple’s needs and wants before the “third’s” wants and needs), and because Unicorn Hunters often isolate their Unicorn (the third) and forbid them to date other people, thus treating the third as property and a plaything. This is not the only kind of Hunter that exists in Polyamory spaces, however. There’s another type that I like to call the Proxy Hunter.

So much like a Unicorn Hunter, a Proxy Hunter tends to be part of an until-now heterosexual marriage. An unhappy heterosexual marriage. One of the partners in that marriage will suggest trying "this poly thing” out in order to avoid having to deal with the issues that are plaguing the marriage. Thus, the Hunt for a Proxy begins.

A “Proxy,” as I define it is a partner who is used as a substitute for the love, affection, or sexual gratification that a married person is not getting in their marriage. The individual personality, wants, needs, hopes, and dreams of this extramarital Proxy partner is of little significance to the Proxy Hunter, so long as the Proxy can provide whatever attention the Proxy Hunter is craving. Proxy Hunters, in turn, tend to be very attentive to their Proxy, at least at first. Love bombing via expensive gifts, undue amounts of attention, and professions of significant feelings early are all common.

This attention and love bombing does not last, however. Eventually, one of two things typically happens. Either the Proxy Hunter’s marriage takes an even worse turn, leading the Proxy Hunter to end their relationship with the Proxy as they “take time to focus on my primary,” or the Proxy Hunter’s relationship to their married partner improves, at least temporarily. Now, the Proxy Hunter has no need or reason to stay with their Proxy, as their needs are seemingly being met. Whichever outcome, the Proxy is tossed away with no regard for their autonomy, feelings, wants, or needs. The Proxy is left wondering how someone who could have shown them such love and attention could dismiss them with such little thought or care.

“But Ramona, I’m new to polyam. How do I avoid being Hunted as a Proxy?”

I’m sorry to say that if you’re a single person in polyam who is open to dating a married person, you are likely going to experience this sort of heartache at least once. The best advice I can give is not to date a married person until you’re experienced in polyamory. Even after you are, be wary of any married person whose dating profile says they’re new to polyamory. That’s not a Red Flag, though it is a Yellow one. Proceed with caution.

“Okay, but unlike the last person, I’m a married person who is feeling unfulfilled in my marriage and thinking about opening it up to seek some fulfillment elsewhere. How do I avoid being a Proxy Hunter?”

Think about what you’re doing and act not just with intent, but with good intent. Realize that every person you date outside your marriage is their own autonomous, thinking, feeling person. They aren’t there to act as a Proxy for the affections you wish you were getting from your spouse. Think about how things were when you were dating prior to your spouse. If you used someone then, that made you a bad person. This fact doesn’t change just because you’re married to someone else now. Using people for your own emotional or sexual gratification and then discarding them is wrong. So don’t do it.

I hope I’ve been able to explain this unfortunate phenomenon a little bit better in this post. Next time on Ramona Quaxli’s Polyamory Program, we’ll be back with Part the Third of the Polyamory Primer. Until next time, Padawans!